The art of war has many divergent paths and the means to reach the end goal - peace, as it is hoped for - vary in even greater number. In the modern age, a form of battle has risen to show a war won by the strategy of either one of two men. Here is a transcript of the latest Globe of Death bout featuring color commentary by two established philosophers.
BILL WILLIAMS: Well, we’ve just had a hell of a match-up here at The Globe of Death. Striking machine Riley “The Cannon” Kendall just submitted to a rear-naked choke from Patrick “The Python” Corona. The crowd just can’t believe this David and Goliath tale. Hold on a second. It seems that there is some controversy in the arena. The crowd is saying it wasn’t a tap-out. They’re questioning the ref’s decision. Let’s have a listen to what he has to say about this.
REFEREE CREON: Is Thebes about to tell me how to rule?
WILLIAMS: Well … even though we’re in LA, it seems that he’s made his decision. Corona wins this fight. Providing commentary with me I have the legendary shi military consultant Sun Tzu; and realist political writer and one of Sun Tzu’s many interpreters, Niccolo di Bernardo dei Machiavelli.
SUN TZU: Ni Hao.
MACHIAVELLI: Buona sera.
WILLIAMS: May I say that it is an honor to have the both of you here to analyze the fight?
SUN TZU: I believe that all soldiers fight to honor something.
MACHIAVELLI: I’m getting paid for this, right?
WILLIAMS: Okay, first thing I wanted to ask: how did Kendall, a noted striker with lightning-quick timing, somehow misjudge Corona along the way? It seems really odd that a guy with a straight punch as fast as The Cannon would find himself trying to wriggle out of submission holds all night.
SUN TZU: Speed is the essence of war. Take advantage of the enemy's unpreparedness; travel by unexpected routes and strike him where he has taken no precautions.
MACHIAVELLI: One must be a fox to recognize traps and a lion to frighten wolves.
WILLIAMS: It got really hairy there for a while, when Corona got him in that flying triangle but found out that Kendall wasn’t having any of that. I counted upwards of five liver shots. Surprised that The Python didn’t just curl up and slither away.
SUN TZU: Master Corona exhibited cool and resolve and soon found his window. One’s enemy must believe that he has the advantage in order to build up his complacence and spoil his defense. Feign disorder and crush him.
MACHIAVELLI: He should have punched the guy in the balls.
WILLIAMS: I had talked to both fighters before the competition and was surprised to learn that they teach self-defense classes with essentially the same philosophy: that despite what they do in The Globe of Death, the techniques that they teach are not to be used unless absolutely necessary. They both said that the fights they engage in on television are to be used as an example of what works and what doesn’t work in a real-world fight. How do you feel about this?
SUN TZU: A leader leads by example, not by force.
MACHIAVELLI: They should tech their students that all men are bad and that they will use their malignity of mind every time they have the opportunity. Also, kicking people when they’re on the ground … in the balls.
WILLIAMS: Well, back to the fight. We’ve seen a brawl turn into a grappling match and -- Oh, wait a second. We have another commentator joining us via satellite. Achilles, what do you think of this fight?
ACHILLES: It took too long.
WILLIAMS: Well, for The Swift-Footed, anyone would appear slow. What do our commentators think of the time it took Corona to defeat Kendall?
SUN TZU: It took as long as it should have taken. The good fighters of old first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat, and then waited for an opportunity of defeating the enemy.
MACHIAVELLI: There's always a temptation, in the middle of a long struggle, to seek the quiet life, to escape the duties and problems of the world, and to hope the enemy grows weary of fanaticism and tired of murder. This would be a pleasant world, but it's not the world we live in. The enemy is never tired, never sated, never content with yesterday's brutality. This enemy considers every retreat of the civilized world as an invitation to greater violence.
WILLIAMS: Fair enough. Many different views of this fight from many different people. If you’re just tuning in, Riley “The Cannon” Kendall defeated in an upset submission hold by Patrick “The Python” Corona. The crowd is restless here at The Globe of Death. There seem to be a few fights going on in the stands. It is utter chaos. The referee is not backing down from his decision.
REFEREE CREON: My heart misgives me, 'tis best to keep the established laws, even to life's end.
WILLIAMS: It should be noted that while the world is going insane, within the ring the two fighters are shaking hands and comparing techniques. True sportsmen who don’t let their divergent styles dictate their interactions with each other. What do our commentators think of these two lion-hearted warriors?
SUN TZU: Master Corona did the honorable thing and built a golden bridge for his opponent to retreat over.
MACHIAVELLI: He should have killed him and took his girlfriend.
- by Casey Ishitani
